Gentlemen, Stop Your Engines!

Attention politicians (mostly male, mostly hetero): Your sex lives are none of my business! Please stop calling your mating habits to my attention.

I am exhausted with all of your petty little sex scandals, so stop it! It’s like you all are just a big group of over-grown 5-year olds. My 5-year old is a good boy, but he has trouble behaving like a good boy all the time. He doesn’t always mind, he can be mean to his little sister, and he’s developed a very bad habit of calling (mainly) me an idiot. So needless to say, he gets in his fair share of trouble. And when he has to deal with the consequences of his actions, he tends to cry and say he’s sorry, he didn’t mean it. And I accept his apologies, but tell him it would be much better for him if he didn’t do the things he has to be sorry about.

So wouldn’t it be easier for you people to just not do anything you’re going to have to apologize for later? Save yourselves the trouble of hiding and denying and then, finally, making a forced, crocodile-tear-filled public statement, wronged spouse dutifully by your side. Why make the world, mainly me, witness to your disgrace? Practice some discretion, some tact, some taste, how about some good judgment. Don’t get caught with your pants down by never having your pants down in the first place. Lordy, do I have to do your thinking for you?

Apparently I do.

First things first, don’t cheat! Seems easy, right? Let’s take it step-by-step, if you are a budding politician or think that you would like to be involved in any sort of government anything and you haven’t stepped out on your spouse yet–don’t. Just don’t. If you are a more established politician and you have remained faithful to your vows, good, keep doing that. But if you are now, or have been in the past, cheating on your spouse, stop this instant! Put on your pants and go home.

Next, we’ll talk about why you shouldn’t cheat. Beyond the fact that it’s wrong, cheating is just plain dumb and stupid. Unless you and your spouse have a previous mutual agreement that yours is an open marriage, cheating is a serious breach of trust. And if you do have an open marriage, don’t go into politics. Most of your constituents just aren’t going to understand. Blame the Puritans. But I digress. At least pretend like you know it’s wrong.

On to the dumb and stupid part. You do not live in a vacuum, or on a desert island, or in an impenetrable shell of your own colossal ego. You are not as discreet as you think you are. Waiters see you, bellboys see you, security guards see you. Even if your spouse is totally blind-sided, there are way more people than just the two of you who know your dirty little secret. Perhaps your lover told a friend, in strict confidence of course, and that bouncer can be bribed. And you can’t quite discount the idea that you may been set up all along.

You will be found out. Some nosy reporter will make a shocking discovery and then the whole world know. And then I’m going to know. And that’s the real problem, I’m sick of hearing about it. Could we please just get some politicians with some freakin’ standards here?!

I think a big part of the problem lies in the kinds of people who seek public office. The mix of self-confidence and self-delusion that cause some people to decide that they would make fabulous governors or senators or city council members also makes them feel as if they are above reproach or even temptation itself. Ah, pride cometh before the fall! When your mind is on lofty goals (you are saving your little corner of humanity!), it is so much easier to stumble. And then there are those people who have such inflated senses of their own importance and superiority that they honestly believe that the rules that govern us mere mortals do not apply to them.

As a college freshman, I dated one such budding sociopath, I mean politician. His stated life-goal was to be a politician, he wanted to run for some kind of office. I was oh-so-very naive and not very experienced with dating. After a disastrous high school run of entrenched geekitude and unrequited crushes (the best kind!), I was flattered that such a handsome, ambitious guy found me worthy of his attention. This situation could’ve ended with heartbreak and teen pregnancy, but I had worked out, in advance, exactly what I was ready for in a relationship and what I wasn’t. When I wasn’t ready to commence a full adult, sexual relationship, he dumped me (in the middle of a party) for someone who was. To my eternal shame, I dated him again about a year later. I still wasn’t ready and he dumped me again, telling me I was selfish. You know, for not ignoring my own wishes and immediately caving in to his!

So when I see these politicians up on the dais, boo-hooing because they got caught, I always think of that boyfriend. And how I could have ended up one of those women, standing up there beside a disgraced man. Except for those pesky standards of mine! You know, the ones I worked out long before I was ever in a position to exercise them.

That’s what you politicians need to do, work out your standards before you actually need them. Decide way ahead of time that things like soliciting call-girls and hitting on interns and pages are bad things. Don’t pick up random strangers or have long-standing affairs. Ask any loving, faithful spouse how he or she would want to be treated and do that. Understand that being a faithful spouse is a pretty high standard, and exceed it. Because being faithful to the public you serve should be an even higher standard. And if you figure all these things out before temptation throws itself in your path, then you may not be as vulnerable to that temptation.

And then I may not have to find out how you get your jollies. Really people, too much information.